I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
