There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I met the friendliest cop last night
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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