I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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