no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
