So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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