I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
