Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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