OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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