By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
