No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
