my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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