well I can't set my house on fire every night
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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