I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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