the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
