He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
