i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
