is your mom at the bar?
The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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