I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
