Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
