Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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