His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
