oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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