make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
