i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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