Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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