I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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