you didnt know i had herpes?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
