I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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