Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
