Me. At least after what I've been through.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
