What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
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We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
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Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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