you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm having to shit out rocks
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