we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
