I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
