are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
