you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
