i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
