The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
