Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
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sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
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I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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