my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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