you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
organizing the empties. That sober.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
