i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
