Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
