Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
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I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
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he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.