so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????