sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.