I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot