i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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