I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So apparently I’m into choking now
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