My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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