WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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