When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Text me some of your sweat
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
