I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
