i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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