Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
