I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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