i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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