The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
