Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
