I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
