I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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