Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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