i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
