our cab driver is having phone sex.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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