last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
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should my penis look like a turkey
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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