Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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