So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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