ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
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how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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